What Women With Breast Cancer Wish You Knew

Breast cancer is the most common cancer worldwide. There are 2.3 million women diagnosed annually, and in the UK roughly 1 in 7 women will be diagnosed over their lifetime.

So it is likely you or someone you know will be affected, and I hope some of what I am suggesting will be helpful if you are having that conversation.

First, just listen

It’s a shock to learn that a friend or loved one has breast cancer. It’s natural to want to know all the details. But a lot of questions can be tough for her to face as she may not have all the answers yet.

Accept what she’s sharing. She understands you don’t know what to say. But instead of, “You’re a fighter; you’re going to beat this,” try, “I can’t imagine how you must feel, I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”

Don’t say, ‘call me if you need me’

You’ll probably never get the call. It’s better to be specific about what you can do. Say “I can help you with housework on Tuesday or Thursday,” or, “I’m making some casseroles, so can I make some for you to put in the freezer?”

You know her, but be specific as her appetite or taste may be different right now so ask if there’s something she would prefer or any ingredient you should avoid?

If she’s recovering from surgery, one thing that is really difficult is washing your hair. That’s because reaching above your head is nearly impossible, so offering to wash her hair would be helpful.

Women receiving treatment for breast cancer are often very concerned about the possible hair loss, and there are excellent hair loss support charities that offers emotional support and practical advice – see under Helpful Information below.

Don’t forget about the children 

Kids are kids whether a parent is dealing with cancer or not. They need TLC and practical help like offering to drive them to school or drive them to dance class or soccer practice or any after school activity they won’t want to miss.

Help make things as normal as possible. Many teachers and other adults don’t know what to say to kids with a sick parent , so they say nothing.

Be someone they can turn to and tell them that you’ll listen when they want to talk.

Offer practical support 

It’s easy with cancer to get overwhelmed by the decisions you have to make so offer support if she needs need some help to understand it all.

Offer to go along to important doctor’s appointments to take notes and ask questions because she may not be able to do that, or remember everything that was said.

You can offer to drive her to hospital appointments too to reassure her she is not going through this alone.

Concerns about surgery

A mastectomy – the removal of one or both breasts – is an ordeal and can be emotionally challenging.

Reconstruction can rebuild the shape and look of the chest, but it’s not the same as breast enhancement. It can take many surgeries before it’s all over.

Some women decide against doing it at all. Whatever they choose, accept it, and although it’s fine to discuss it, don’t try to change her mind once it’s made up

Cancer doesn’t ask your age

If a woman in their 20s or 30s has the disease, they are probably tired of people saying, “You’re so young and active, how can you have cancer?”

This can lead to feelings of isolation so when she feels comfortable, urge her to find a group of young people with breast cancer who can understand what she’s going through. The Macmillan Cancer support website can help with resources.

Men get it, too

It is roughly 100 times less common in men than in women, with a lifetime risk of less than 1 in 1,000. While rare, it can occur,  but never ask why he has a “woman’s disease” or insist it must be the wrong diagnosis.

Sugar, refined carbohydrates and excess oestrogen intake are risk factors and men with breast cancer may need even more support because they feel out of place.

Always encourage them to get any breast lump checked by a doctor right away.

Don’t suggest what might have prevented it

This can only raise feelings of guilt or blame, so although it may be tempting don’t do it.

Once diagnosed it’s also not helpful to suggest that yoga, juicing, or anything else could’ve prevented their breast cancer.

Again, it might be true but unless they ask for specific help or advice about any supplement, therapy or regime wait to be asked and don’t offer it until then.

Cancer is unique to that individual  

There are many different kinds of breast cancer. Some grow fast, some grow slow. Some are harder to treat than others.

You probably won’t know exactly which type your friend has – she might not even know right away. So don’t say, “My friend had breast cancer and it was horrible,” or “My aunt’s cancer was quickly treated”

Yes, you are trying to be helpful but each case is unique, and people respond differently to treatment.

Don’t insist

Anyone going through treatment or recovering from surgery has a limited amount of energy and need to spend it wisely.

Sometimes, they have to turn down an invitation or cancel plans. Respect her decisions and know she isn’t saying no to you specifically.

She’s trying to heal and needs rest, so just indicate you’re fine with it and there when she wants to see you.

Take a break from ‘cancer’

If you are meeting up, then think about your conversation. If she wants to talk about it, then that’s fine but remember she is more than her disease and it could well be the last thing she actually wants to talk about.

Try to keep the conversation focused on everyday things – her family, a recent holiday, or a TV show you both like. If she wants to talk about cancer, she’ll bring it up, but let her lead the conversation.

Moving on and long term effects

Many women with breast cancer need to take medication for 5-10 years to try to keep cancer from coming back. These drugs can have side effects like bone and joint issues, mood swings, and fatigue.

Often doctors prescribe other pills – like antidepressants and painkillers –  to fight those side effects.

Bioidentical hormones can help restore her natural hormone balance and if on Tamoxifen or similar drugs then bioidentical progesterone is known is known to be helpful.

Just be aware that treatment is not a quick fix and so it can take some time to get back to her old self.

When treatment is over, and there are no signs of cancer, then that’s great, but there can be emotional stress to be addressed .

There may be signs of post-traumatic stress disorder, like not sleeping well or having crying fits and may constantly be checking for lumps and bumps.

Support her to address these issues by talking to her Doctor if her concerns are physical, or if emotional and stress related suggest some counselling or therapy to help relieve those symptoms.

Small gestures count 

Even if you haven’t been in touch for years, she will appreciate you letting them know you’re thinking of them.

A note or card, or a phone call or text message once in a while can make a real difference.

They might be too exhausted to respond right away, but your good thoughts and best wishes are appreciated and can lift the spirit on a bad day.

Helpful information

One of the main causes linked to breast cancer is excess oestrogen that is not balanced by progesterone. Always check your hormone balance to reduce your risk and if you are oestrogen dominant take action to restore progesterone levels.

If concerned about hair loss then the Cancer Hair Care information website and services will help her to feel confident through illness and into recovery at https://www.cancerhaircare.co.uk/

One of the side effects of some of the drugs used post cancer treatment can bring on symptoms such as hot flushes, and if these are also at Menopause, they can be made worse.

There is much misinformation about using hormones with cancer treatment and Dr Tony Coope is a bio identical Doctor that has addressed this issue in the following article.

Bioidentical Hormones & Cancer